Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water.
Jack fell down and broke his crown and Jill came tumbling after.
Jill, you stupid bitch, next time Jack falls down leave him there and move the fuck on.
I have lost all faith in lesbianism.
This coming from someone brought up on lesbian porn and thought she was a lady lover herself; I had a lot of faith. It is all gone.
What can I say? I get it guys, tits are mesmerizing. I remember coming out to my gay in college that I decided I wanted to try me some boneless meat. At the time I thought it was such a big deal to admit and that I must be a lessie. I now laugh about that time since realizing everyone with half of a brain and a decent set of eyes will tell you that females are the more attractive creature. Our curves far surpass your lumpy hairiness dudes, sorry.
I thought my confession to a gay would open up some magical door of the ‘Land of Gay’ (which I pictured looking like Teletubby land with a bunch of chicks hunting box running around). I don’t know what I was expecting him to do other than giggle with me about it. Just because he liked people with dick didn’t mean he could get me someone without one. Clearly my big confession didn’t lead to fruitful endeavors.
Since then my faith and hope for a female play-thing has slowly died because of one simple fact: there are no hot lesbians.
TO MY SEXY LADIES THAT LIKE LADIES….WHERE ARE YOU?
I know that you must be out there somewhere! Where you be hiding at? All the lesbians I have encountered have looked like dudes and for me, that defeats the purpose. If I am going to go butch I might as well get the version with the dick attached…am I right?
I mean the whole point of hooking up with a chick is to hook up with a chick. I want me some lipstick lesbians! Do they exist beyond my imagination? I know Portia de Rossi is hot, but that’s Hollywood! The rules for the famous are VERY different then the rest of us, Nick Cannon is still married to Mariah in case you forgot. Are they like DVDA(which I have looked just as hard for); just something we wish we could happen but is a physical impossibility?
So if you are out to prove me wrong, and I hope you are, send over the sexy ladies who like box and make be believe in the power of scissoring once again!
Posted in story | Tagged rated R | 1 Comment »
I hate a lot of things: PDAs, side siders, back hair, ugly people, sperm in the eye, surprise anal….but nothing tops off my list like “eternal love” and people who think they have it.
Which is why I am obsessed with wedinator.com! It’s all weddings doomed right from the beginning (how great are those tuxedos?) or wedding gone array (check out the weird tits on that bride that has just exposed herself to everyone she knows! Excellent!). Oh newlyweds, your failures are triumphs for the rest of us.
Posted in over the internet | Tagged rated pg-13 | Leave a Comment »
As everyone can tell, chatting about ya’lls relationships is my favorite past time sans digesting cookies. I will listen to you with my full attention forever if you are discussing your love, pain or sex (if I’m lucky all of those at once). One thing that I have been noticing a lot lately is the difference in the way people will talk about their relationship and how they will act in their relationship.
I am so happy that you are discussing the situation over with me, but now go have the same conversation with your significant other. Too often to we tell our business to everyone else before we tell it to the person it concerns.
Here is my favorite example. I was listening to her gush over boyfriend, how they are best friends and they have been together forever, blahblahblah. Then she turns around and bitches him out and give him the cold shoulder. Bitch you best pump your brakes and check yourself before you drive him away and you look at me all confused.
**If you don’t act like it and show the other person how you feel, it doesn’t matter.** Too many relationships have met their demise from lack of communication. If you love them, make sure they KNOW it and can FEEL it.
Of course, this works the other way too. If you are complaining to me about something silly, then its a good idea not to make it into something huge with them. If you are continuing to tell me the same things over and over again, well then it’s time to tell them and not me.
If you open your heart, then your mouth better open right with it, or you’ll be wasting a lot of precious time.
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you make me want to write poems.
but poems are for gays.
so i wont
write them down.
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Dear Julia,
I am sorry I made everything so awkward the other night when we were watching Rock of Love Bus and you were laughing and I tried to kiss you and then pretended like it was nothing before I kinda ran outta your house crying. I am kinda kooky like that sometimes…lol…
I understand and am totally cool with the fact that you don’t want to date me. Your friendship is as valuable to me as it is to you, and I sincerely mean that. Although it will be very difficult for me to sweep aside the way I feel about you and I know you’ve had a tough time getting over the emotional scars of your ex boyfriend, I will do what makes you happy. If you ever need anything or want to talk I want you to know that I’m totally here for you and down for whatever…no awkwardness here…I just want you to be a part of my life, whatever that means!
I just wanted to know something else… for myself. If I was a total douchebag, do you think you might consider dating me? Because, you’ve always said that what I mean to you as a friend is something you’d never jeopardize by dating me. So I’m just wondering, I guess, about the criteria here. I mean, I know your last boyfriend, Todd, was a real prick and he banged your sister and showed up drunk to your grandma’s funeral, but you DEFINITELY had sex with him…. soooo… I guess what I’m asking is if I were ever to do something kind of nasty to you, do you think that there’d be like, any hope of me getting to maybe kiss you, for like a second? I’m just kinda putting that out there, and if it sounds weird, forget it, I am totally cool with driving you to the mall and watching you shop like we usually do every weekend.
Julia, you are extremely important to me and I hope that everything works out for you in life. Like remember that guy Steve you called me about, that time who drove you home when you were blackout drunk that time and shoved your head into his lap? You told me what a prick he was as if that was a bad thing, but then like, two weeks later at Dave’s house you tried to swallow his dick whole in the laundry room, and then he never called you again. I really hope he calls you back. Not that I’m jealous or anything, but like, just floating another totally hypothetical question out there.
Again, if I am crossing the line, please let me know.
Anyway, if I were a real prick to you the next time you call me on the phone to “vent” about your shitty day and the “shortage of nice,single guys,” and said something like “bitch, I’ve got your nice, single dick right here…”
Would you touch it?
I would NEVER say anything like that, but I’m just slightly confused by your criteria. What exactly do you mean by nice?
Julia, you are very dear to me, and we’ve been through a lot together. When Doug dumped you to go out with Heather and told everyone you were a desperate slut and you lost twenty pounds and I had to drive you home from all those parties when you passed out and made a fool of yourself in front of a dozen people because of what an asshole Doug was for dumping you even though you let him put it in your butt…never mind- what I mean is- I didn’t mind cleaning you up all those times, wiping away your tears, making you dinner, or sleeping with you(in the most literal terms possible) when you felt alone or anything, because you’re my best friend, but I was just wondering…If I were to drop the pretense, quit this whole act, and treat you like the dirty whore you are, would you let me put it in your butt? I mean really??!! What does a guy have to do to get his dick wet??!
All my Love,
Your Best Friend Tom
The crew over at Mean Rubber are pretty freakin clever. I love this. Hasn’t everyone been in this situation once or twice? Girls like assholes, get it through your head.
TREAT US LIKE THE DIRTY WHORES WE ARE….whoa…that was weird…I’m gonna go now…
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Everyone may still be wondering what an is but I figured it out! It means hottie festttt! Johnny Depp, Colin Ferrel and Jude Law all stepped in to finish the movie after Heath passes away. Could this movie fit in any more bad ass hotties? No, no they couldn’t.
Remind me to wear three pairs of undies when I go see this one.
Posted in over the internet | Tagged rated pg-13, video | Leave a Comment »
If you like it, put a fucking ring on it.
I’m serious.
Oh your engaged? Where is your ring? Well then sorry bitch, you are not engaged.
And the bigger, the better.
Step back before calling me materialistic. I’m about to speak the truth so listen up.
My ex got down on one knee and proposed to me. Straight up. I said serious? He said serious. Then a year later I broke up with his ass. You wanna know why?
That man would spin gold with his words and I was a sucker for all the corny, lovey bullshit that came out of it. Then I got tired of the nice words and left him for someone who spoke of nothing but gave me everything. I learned the hard way that if words are not backed up with actions, they loose all meaning. Word are words. We all know that words can only take you so far. Actions are a completely different story.
Since there was no ring I didn’t think twice about the commitment he or I had made. If he wasn’t willing to show me (in the form of diamonds that I sent him via text message along with the address of the store and the womans name to talk to) what his love to me meant, then it didn’t mean anything.
Buying the love of your life a huge diamond is an investment. This is where the size comes in. A ring says, “I love you”. A big ring says, “I love you and I believe in our love so much that I spent all of this money to show you just how much I am invested in you.”
Rings are like investing stock in the pussy market. Talking about investing isn’t going to get you any money. And the more you put in, the greater the reward back.
Let me tell you, no bitch is going to up and leave when you just put a rock on her hand…not without some serious consideration before. Engagement rings are also contracts so if the bitch does bail, you can always sue for it back!
Think about how much you like titties boys; that’s how much we like heavy shiny things to show our girlfriends.
Put a ring on it if you mean forever. If not, shut up.
Ladies can I get a hell yeah?
Posted in advice | Tagged rated g | 1 Comment »
Cheating is a messy business. My experience and belief is that if you have reason to believe that you are being cheated on, the evidence is building up and you have that gut feeling, you are most likely getting wronged and it’s time for a serious talk. If that’s not enough for you, you can always just smell his dick. If it smells like puss, and it ain’t yo puss, that man has been dick diving.
Here is the MUST SEE video by Riskay entitled ‘Smell Yo Dick’.
Posted in over the internet | Tagged rated R, video | Leave a Comment »
